Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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