I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
