That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
