everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
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hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
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You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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