I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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