Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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