I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
