just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
