he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
