You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
