So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
