so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
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Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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