WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize