at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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