they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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