Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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