Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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