do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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