btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
