chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
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Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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