how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
