you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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