my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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