im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
