last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
