Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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