before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
