Jerry, you need to find god
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
