Where did you get a picture of my penis
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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