I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
