Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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