she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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