My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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