I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
