she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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