sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
