Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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