I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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