in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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