I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
