Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
