NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
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We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
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I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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