and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
