sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
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listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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