god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
