so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
