do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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