i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
