i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
