Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Randomize