I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
