My sheets look like a crime scene.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
