he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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