loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
